insoymada
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How to create a top-rating noontime show

noontime2

WE FILIPINOS are suckers for noontime shows. Noontime shows are the biggest daily event in our lives. A carenderia, a clinic, a bus terminal, a barbershop, a police station, a barangay hall that doesn’t have a TV set on at noon has a PR sense of a toad. We wonder how dull life would be without noontime shows to make us laugh, cry and look stupid.

Surprisingly, of the thousands of self-help books in the local market today, there’s not one on how to create a top-rating noontime show. So as a sucker for noontime shows myself, I wrote this initial draft on a book I will call “Act Stupid, You’re On Some Noontime Show.”

Since this is a draft, I’m open to your suggestions, readers. Let’s work on this book as one great people united under one great noontime show banner. The book will have “The Filipino People” as its author. This is going to be big. We will appear in Oprah’s “Ten Dumbest Countries Ever Because They Watch Noontime Shows” episode.

The following are some of the most important things to remember when creating a noontime show:

1) A noontime show is first and foremost a charitable institution. It is a show meant to help the country’s Great Unwashed. The games, the songs, everything in a noontime show should seek to improve the condition of our suffering brothers and sisters. This is the guiding principle in any top-rating noontime show.

2) Invite the poor as guests so viewers will know the show’s heart really bleeds for the indigents. Let the poor guests come to the show as they are: dazed, dirty, disheveled, toothless, wrinkled, sick and smelly. Monday: scavengers; Tuesday: sidewalk vendors; Wednesday: housemaids na Bisaya; Thursday: mga janitors na may pimples sa leeg; Friday: mga batang hindi pa nakatikim nang fried chicken; Saturday: mga fans ni Sharon Cuneta 70 taong gulang pataas. With the poor, the categories are limitless.

3) The poor are a dumb lot. The games in the show should highlight this fact because appearing dumb on TV sells. Require them to dance if they can’t dance or sing if they can’t sing. During the game, ask questions too profound for the poor to answer correctly. Like, “Kung ang ulo ay head, ilan ang iyong paa?”

4) Make sure the poor cry on TV. This is very important because tears, more than laughter, intimately connect the show to the viewers in real time. Only the most calloused viewer cannot sympathize with the daughter who failed in school because she has to sell sampaguita to put food on the table because mother is always drunk and father is in jail and grandmother has tuberculosis and grandfather is blind and this game show is her only chance at owning an MP3 player.

5) Because it is a charitable institution, a top-rating noontime show must be hosted by the nicest and most gracious personality in all Philippine television. Because he is nice and gracious, the host must not think twice about making fun of his poor guests because the poor don’t mind being made fun of. To inspire the poor, the host’s “from rags to riches” story must be occasionally shown on TV, with the host telling the poor guests how he owned all those luxury cars and mansions because of hard work, so stop looking stupid now and choose Pera o Bayong.

6) Lastly, choose a name for your show. There are many possible names, but the most effective are those that are derived from the names of their hosts. Forget “Wowowee.” That’s taken.

( SUN.STAR JAN. 27, 2009 )

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20 Responses to “How to create a top-rating noontime show”

  1. “wowowowowowowow siiingg!”
    “only belo touches my skin. who touches yours, papi?”
    hehehehe..

    way eat bulaga ai? wowowee man tanan.. 🙂
    i.apil daw tong sa eat bulaga na they make their guests lip sync on a performance nya if musukol kai ipetition sa court na i-ban ilang kanta..
    sounds pamiley?

  2. “oh iiyak ka na eh..” “o naluluha ka naaaaa….”

    these noontime shows reflect too many corners of the country like a feeding program in the plaza, a roving multicab to announce may libre-kaun sa plaza. if we really want to help our brothers, kita unta palapit nila ug tanawon kung unsa ang sitwasyon, unsa ang matabang and not dress them up like dolls in a puppet show.

    poverty is not “all” about the money.

    salamat for writing this.

  3. “A noontime show is first and foremost a charitable institution. It is a show meant to help the country’s Great Unwashed. ”

    –when i was watching the weakend news on tv5 (back when the show was still airing), our lesser fortunate (than me) brothers actually remarked they want wowowillie than our present president. whether that’s funny or sad, i am still figuring out.

    ***
    add to that too, sir. prepare all sorts of sad melody that could make anyone emo. in case the player doesn’t cry. 😀

  4. i think that would be under number four.

  5. i have read your column yesterday! hahahahahahahaha! It is so funny! Pwede, mo add sa imong compilation?

    Go to http://ling2xabella.blogspot.com

  6. invite ug mga OFW and milk them.

    the only way to do this is to make them feel guilty. make sure the camera focuses on the sad faces of the constestants. a long sad speech from the host with a sad melody as background and it’s a done deal.

    note for the host: repeat these words everyday in the show- ” sa amin kayo ang number one! ”

    hehehe

  7. with regards to the show’s talents — wait, i even think the term “talents” is a misnomer. Howling Mongrels is more like it, i guess, what with the tunes and notes of these half-pinoys scattered all over the place.

    And the people still clap! Brainwashing going on!

  8. soy, ingon ako mother na basin daw gibayaran ka ni joey de leon. tug-an woi!

  9. hinawayon mn diay kauu nas willie no 😀 nya ok ra pud nila…

    pwede I-add ni?…

    the show must have songs with repetitive lyrics so dumb but unanimously popular…

  10. *becomes

  11. grabe! couch potato na man guro ka soy.. ug kapamilya pa jud!hahaha cge tan-aw tibi ai!

    wowowee! hehehe

  12. Suggestion bai: Include sexy stars and gay comedians as hosts as well as getting vitamin/supplement companies para nai take home prizes in case dli makadaog ang contestants.

    Compose diay ug bagong dance moves ug themesong pirmi para synchronized singing and dancing during opening show.

    Also, apila diay ug kuha ug mga camera men na maoy magbuot knsay mga gwapa na contestants na kwaon pa apilon sa jackpot prize. This is all too familiar na da..i should stop watching these kind of shows najud bai ehehehehhe

  13. hahaha! yah, this entry is enlightening sir insoy.. 🙂

  14. […] drafts a primer on how to create a top-rating noontime show for Philippine television. Posted by Karlo Mongaya […]

  15. You describe the shows perfectly. Brilliant! Ha Ha

  16. insoymada.wordpress.com – now in my rss reader)))
    ————————
    ads: http://hixoh.ru/

  17. […] drafts a primer on how to create a top-rating noontime show for Philippine […]

  18. astiga jud nimo sir wui!!!
    idol!


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