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What the quirky shopper wants

The mall claims to offer everything. But the quirky shopper soon feels cheated after finding nothing there to satisfy his eccentric needs.

(In one’s eccentricity, one’s identity is defined. The more a person bares his idiosyncrasies, the more he stands in the crowd. He’s an eyesore, an irritant, but a character nevertheless. In contrast, people who try to blend and look “normal” fade in the background. They are the conformist, bereft of a personality. Burger and coke in the land of stewed snake and lambanog (fiery coconut-based wine).)

So it happened that I toured the city in search of things that no boring person could ever think of buying. I was on a hunt for things that kill, or that give life, or that whisper to the soul and silence the heart. They are what you call toys for the boys, the male species being stereotypically associated with destructive behavior that is linked in a charming way with a zest for living.

Here goes.

Knives. Men are obsessed with sharp objects. There’s the ubiquitous corta (dagger). There are the Swiss knives imported from China (never from Switzerland!). And the ever reliable boy scout items concealed in the creases of male garments. Bringing this fetish to the extreme, I went for the real mean-looking knives that can cut an enemy in two with one swoop.

The burning hearths in Barangay Basak-San Nicolas proved to be the perfect place. Steel in all shapes and sizes are made here with the crudest of equipment. Orders can be customized to suit the buyer’s taste. I had one made the shape of Muslim crescent fitted with a crucifix handle.

Guns, for a quicker kill. I once traveled to Danao City with a group of foreigners wanting to check the efficiency of paltik (homemade) revolvers against their Mafia weaponry back home.

The shops were Cebuano ingenuity at its best. Thinking of a nicer feature, I started asking around and taking down notes of how such underground industry managed to attract gun lovers all over the world. But a gunsmith gave me the look and made a show of cocking an unfinished carbine. I got the message.

Now this: the goat’s eye and other sex-enhancing devices, including condiments and concoctions that gave senior citizens a hard-on for days straight.

The are found in the one place in Cebu that refuses to let go of its sidewalk trade: the old commercial district in Colon and surrounding areas. Men who know sex, or miss it, find what they need here.

But propriety prohibits me from discussing to the juiciest detail the virtues of these ancient tricks in the art of lovemaking. For the goat’s eye, just imagine a Sinulog headgear (feathers, trinkets and all) of phallic diameter and the tingling sensation it gives your partner when it is rubbed against the right spot.

And a lot more. The strange and the exotic, the dangerous and the erotic await the Cebuano soul tired of the false promises of the mall.

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One Response to “What the quirky shopper wants”

  1. “The burning hearths in Barangay Basak-San Nicolas proved to be the perfect place. Steel in all shapes and sizes are made here with the crudest of equipment. Orders can be customized to suit the buyer’s taste. I had one made the shape of Muslim crescent fitted with a crucifix handle.”
    – daghan gyud nganha sir,
    gi feature to ni budoy ang usa ka store ngnha sa iyang ISMOLY TYM nga show.


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