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My girl dumped me for a hamster

The biggest question the world is facing right now is: Are hamsters rats? The reason we need to ask this question is that the number of people keeping hamsters as pets has increased globally by leaps and bounds. If world leaders take this question for granted, everybody, not just entertainment writers, will start to believe anything the Chinese have to say about the universe being controlled by dumb creatures, like oxen, horses, squids, tapeworms, and yes, rats. And we don’t want that to happen.

When I say “by leaps and bounds,” I have numbers to back it up. In our newsroom alone – which means all the world to you and me, if you’ve been buying this paper every day for the last 25 years – the increase is from one to two in just ten years. Imagine!

That’s quite a figure, considering how many reporters and editors, until recently, thought of hamsters as amphibious vermin that started to exist after inebriated pigs in a remote fishing village in Russia accidentally had sex with lobsters (or was it oysters?). If you think I’m joking, a little research on the Internet will tell you that hamsters are originally Russian, especially if they are the size of the cork of a vodka bottle.

This phenomenon hit me as particularly alarming when I realized that the second person in our newsroom to own a hamster is me! I would be the last person on earth to dream of owning any thing that remotely required constant feeding (and you’re still wondering why I’m single?) But for reasons beyond me, I suddenly found myself buying a pair of hamsters last December…

OK. OK. I’m telling all now. My girl dumped me for a hamster last month. So I had to know what this red-eyed creature has that we males of the Homo Stupidus species don’t have. We men are generally solitary and primarily nocturnal, like hamsters. We can say nothing but “chiiiiiirp” an entire lifetime if we want to. And like hamsters, we men can be too dumb as to run around in an enclosed space endlessly even if we know we’re getting nowhere. So, why?

Meaning, my buying a pair of hamsters had nothing to do with any Zodiac reading. You can just imagine my surprise when a Chinese friend told me that I made a lucky choice of keeping hamsters as pets because 2008 is the year of the Rat. Not just any ordinary rat but the Earth Rat, as distinguished from the Martian Rat, the Black Hole Rat and the Cebuano Rat (more of this last creature in succeeding columns).

I never thought of that. For all I care, I could have bought an iguana who knew how to dance the Thriller, and I wouldn’t think of 2008 as the International Year of Exploited Reptiles in Conflict with the Law. But in spite of myself, it got me interested.

So, are hamsters rats? I don’t trust my Chinese friend. So I did my own extensive research, as I always do whenever I write this column. And this is what I found:

Rodent n. (rod’nt) Any of various mammals of the order Rodentia which have two pairs of continuously growing and self-sharpening teeth; Visayan translation – ilaga. Rat n. (rat) Any of various animals similar to one of these long-tailed rodents; Visayan translation – ilaga. Hamster n. (ham’ster) A rodent belonging to the subfamily Cricetinae; Visayan translation – ilaga.

That settled the issue. Having established that hamsters are rats, let me now proceed to discussing an equally universal and pointless topic: New Year’s Resolution… On second thought, I change my mind.

 

(sun.star cebu, january 8, 2008)

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6 Responses to “My girl dumped me for a hamster”

  1. aha naman tong ‘drinker’ para ni pungky bitok? tsk tsk tsk..

  2. hehehehe…bitok jud.. sweet kaha or love or honey tawag ninyo duha ms ech and sir inz..hehe

  3. ‘tapeworm’ nalang gamiton namo bai peert kay iningles. hehehe. tapeworm, pungky, like most men, is a drinker. 🙂

  4. hehehe..takto ka sir inz, tapeworm nalang kay mas arang-arang paminawon..hehehe….ka remember ko ako classmyt sa hyskul na tawgon namo ug antiox…hehehe..

  5. tapeworm? ew. it’s so kinda not my type! hahahhaha

  6. hookworm?
    pwde tingli…hehehehe


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